The Greatest Party That Never Happened
by frostyfreezyfreeze54
Summary: The day after Sparky's birthday party, RK and Wade wake up with no memory of what happened in the last 24 hours and try to figure out why Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn are nowhere to be found.
1. Greatest Party Script

_Thank You, Heavenly_

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day

SEASON 5

EPISODE 26

Airdate: April 23, 2017

"The Greatest Party That Never Happened"

 _#TYH526_

SCENE 1

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _It is the morning after Sparky's birthday party. We see a P.O.V. shot of two eyes opening up and looking blurry. It is revealed to be a groggy RK, who looks disoriented and groans as he slowly gets up from the remains of a broken stool. He sees Wade passed out near the TV and walks over to him._

RK: Wade, get up. Wade? Wade, are you there?

 _Wade smacks his lips, sits up, and rubs his eyes._

WADE: RK! Did we successfully travel through alternative dimensions?!

RK: What are you talking about?

WADE: You know what? I had this crazy dream that you and I were parasailing in another reality. I thought I lost you after I almost struck that whale.

RK: Okay, I'm starting to wonder if we switched brains because that sounds like a me thing. Ugh, my head is spinning.

WADE: You're telling me. I can't even remember what I did last night.

RK: Me either. And why are we in Sparky's house?

WADE: I have no idea. We must have had a really insane sleepover.

RK: Hey, remember that one sleepover we had where we prank called Jaylynn and told her her house was burning down?

WADE: Yeah, I never got that prank. She was in the house when we called. And it's not like you can see her house from your place.

RK: Yeah, I didn't think that all the way through.

 _Bitch Clock walks downstairs at that point._

RK: Hey, Bitch Clock. Ready for your morning whiskey?

BITCH CLOCK: What the f*** are you guys still doing here? I thought you left for the water park already.

RK: First off, don't you ever talk to me like that again in your life or I'll beat the shit out of you. Second off, what are you talking about?

BITCH CLOCK: You guys were supposed to go to the water park today. You know, with everyone else?

WADE: That's preposterous. We never planned to go to the water park.

RK: He's probably already had his morning whiskey. No wonder he's not making sense.

BITCH CLOCK: That's true. You really think I would wait this long to have a drink? But I'm serious. You guys were supposed to go to the water park today.

 _Bitch Clock walks back upstairs._

RK: Wait, why did he go back upstairs? It's not like he came down here specifically to talk to us.

WADE: Bitch Clock is probably right. That would explain why Sparky isn't here.

RK: Hey, knowing Sparky, he probably went to go get some fresh air. I wouldn't worry about it. Let's just go home, get some real sleep, and meet up at Ike's with the guys later.

SCENE 2

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _RK is watching TV when KG walks downstairs._

KG: Hey RK, how was the party last night? I heard you lost your shit at Sparky's house.

RK: What? What party? I didn't go to a party last night.

KG: Oh, trying to downplay what you did. I know the feeling. At Rodney's birthday, I drank like, six cans of Pepsi and I felt like I was going to explode. I was doubled over on the toilet and by the time I was done, I had to reevaluate my whole life.

RK: Well, that sounds like a sad and disgusting story, but that will never happen to me. I have class.

KG: Says the guy who once went a month without washing his underwear.

RK: I was experimenting!

 _Wade walks in at that point._

WADE: Hey RK, we need to talk.

RK: Okay.

 _Beat. RK and Wade look up at KG._

KG: I was just waiting for my cue. Thanks.

 _KG mumbles to himself as he goes to the kitchen._

RK: So what's going on, professor?

WADE: Well, I went to my house to do some more work on my teleporter, but I couldn't help but feel like something was wrong.

RK: And what was that exactly?

WADE: None of our friends are around. I tried calling Sparky and Buster, but they didn't pick up. Then I called Jaylynn and she didn't pick up either.

RK: Wade, it's 2017. Nobody uses phones to call people anymore.

WADE: Dude, I even called their telephones and they're not answering. I don't know what's going on here.

RK: Relax, this is just your imagination running away with you. When I was younger, I genuinely thought that there were talking monkeys and stars to collect.

WADE: Why?

RK: Because _Dora the Explorer_ had a hold on me. Then I discovered something called the real world, and now I know that the only way to find talking monkeys and magic stars is to start smoking crack.

WADE: I feel like I know less about how the world works now that you shared that with me. This is weird, man. Something happened yesterday.

RK: What do you mean?

WADE: I mean, there had to have been some event that's related to the guys being missing. I just can't remember because the whole day is a blur to me.

RK: Yeah, me too. The last 24 hours are a blank slate. Wait a minute. Wasn't Sparky going to have his birthday party yesterday?

WADE: Yeah?

RK: Well, what I think is that at his party, there was a horrible event that went down, wiped our memories and took our friends away.

WADE: Like what?

RK: We can't talk about it here. But we can piece the clues together. I know exactly where to go.

SCENE 3

Home Fries from Outer Space

Interior Dining Area

Seattle, Washington

 _RK looks depressed as him and Wade receive their food from their waiter._

RK: Thank you, sir. I'll make sure to give you your Salvation Army tip later.

 _The waiter looks at RK with confusion and walks away. RK sighs in disappointment._

WADE: What are you so down about? We made it to Home Fries from Outer Space. This is your dream restaurant.

RK: It _was_ my dream restaurant. That's why I had to come back here. This was where our lives changed forever. This was before...

 _RK turns away from Wade and stares into the distance._

RK: ...it happened.

WADE: Before what happened? What are you even staring at?

RK: It was last night. We were on our way here when we got some pretty bad news.

 _Dissolve into the night before. Sparky's car pulls up at the restaurant and the kids exit the car._

SPARKY: Damn, this is an amazing place. This is going to be the best meal we ever had.

JAYLYNN: And it's all because of the smartest, coolest, most incredible person in the universe, RK.

BUSTER: Let's hear it for the man!

 _The kids start chanting RK's name._

RK: Come on, guys, you chant my name every day. This is Sparky's day.

SPARKY: Such a humble and handsome individual.

RK: Pffft, the handsomeness goes without saying.

SPARKY: Let's head inside.

 _The kids walk towards the door when they see an employee locking up._

RK: Steve, what in the hell is going on here? _I knew Steve from when he was just a busboy._

STEVE: There was a gas leak here about an hour ago. We have to shut down.

SPARKY: YOU WHAT?! THIS BOY PUT HIS ASS ON THE LINE TRYING TO TAKE US TO THIS RESTAURANT, AND YOU TRY TO UNDERMINE HIS EFFORTS?! HOW DARE YOU?!

STEVE: Look, buddy, you have no right to...

RK: Don't worry, I'll handle this. Look, it's his birthday party. I was trying to do him a favor because he's just been mad at the world lately.

STEVE: Oh. Well, in that case, my apologies. I'm sorry for trying to ruin your birthday.

 _Steve takes his underwear, pulls it over his head, and walks away._

SPARKY: RK, you could sell salt to a snail.

RK _: Sparky seemed okay from that point forward. But later on, at the party, he went off the deep end like never before._

 _Dissolve into the party. Everybody is dancing and having fun except for Sparky who is sitting at the kitchen table with an angry look on his face. RK walks into the room and pats Sparky on the back._

RK: Hey, man. What are you doing here? Everyone's waiting for you.

SPARKY: RK, your restaurant idea was genius. And it was ruined. I wanted to eat there like a motherf***er so bad, but nothing worked out.

RK: What are you talking about? Everyone's having fun tonight.

SPARKY: Well, I'm not. RK, I know this is going to come as a shock to you, but, it's time to let you know that...I'm a kamikaze!

 _Sparky takes off his button-down shirt to reveal several sticks of dynamite strapped to his body._

RK: WHAT THE HELL?!

SPARKY: Look, RK, I can't go on like this. Your brilliant idea is now going to be for absolutely nothing. I have to end it. For me, for you, for everybody.

RK: Sparky, you don't have to do this. You don't have to be a kamikaze, it's not worth it!

SPARKY: I'm sorry, man. There's no other way.

 _Sparky walks into the living room and whistles._

SPARKY: Now, everybody pay attention and shut up. This guy is RK Jennings. He tried to take me to a great restaurant and they had a gas leak, so it all went to waste.

RK: He's talking crazy. He didn't take his chewable vitamins this morning, he'll say anything for a reaction!

SPARKY: The fact of the matter is, I can't go on like this. I have to end this mediocre party before everything RK tried to do for me tonight is tainted forever.

JAYLYNN: Who's that weirdo standing next to RK?

WADE: I don't know. One of his fans, I presume?

RK: Sparky, come on. I know I'm the man and everything, but this isn't the way.

SPARKY: It has to be the way. And just to make sure you're on board, I'm taking your ass with me!

 _Sparky grabs RK tightly as he pulls out his remote to set off the dynamite sticks._

RK: NOOOOOOOOO!

 _The dynamite goes off and causes a huge explosion. When the smoke clears, RK is shown dazed and confused, coughing up dust and trying to make sense of his surroundings._

RK: _It was too late. I couldn't convince Sparky to not go through with sacrificing himself. I realized that the explosion was so huge, it caused everyone in the living room to blow up. Except for me and you. You were knocked out, and I was losing my mind._ WADE?! **WADE?!**

 _A visibly shaken RK ends up fainting from the situation on a huge pile of dust, and the thud he makes causes part of the roof to cave in and both RK and Wade to be buried in rubble. Dissolve into the present day, where RK wipes his eyes after retelling the story._

RK: And that's why we'll never see Sparky or the guys ever again.

WADE: Wow. I am stunned.

RK: Me too. I can't believe this had to happen to us. What did we do to deserve this?

WADE: No, I mean, I'm stunned that your delusion and your egotism don't actually have limits.

RK: Are you seriously cracking jokes after what happened last night?

WADE: Yes, because that's not what happened last night. There was no dust or rubble when we woke up this morning. And where was Bitch Clock during all this?

RK: Um...selling beer to runaway teens at the park?

WADE: Look, whatever happened yesterday obviously has to have some sense of logic and reason.

RK: So what do you think happened, smart guy?

WADE: Well, for one, it wasn't a night full of people giving me undeserved praise. And two, it involved science. I know it had to have happened like this...

 _Dissolve into Wade working in his basement one night earlier when RK walks in._

RK: Wade, are you ready to go yet?

WADE: In a minute. Right now, I'm on the verge of a major scientific breakthrough.

RK: Ugh, you're always messing around with this science crap like it means something. What "breakthrough" are you about to make this time?

WADE: Well, if you must know, I'm trying to see if it's possible to erase the ability to make new memories for the sake of preserving old ones. This here brain ray is set to affect the hippocampus and make the brain unable to create any new memories.

RK: Okay, why exactly would anyone have any use for something like that?

WADE: Because it's in the name of science.

RK: Pffft, you and your second-rate inventions.

WADE: You and your second-rate intellect.

 _Beat._

RK: So are we going to go or not?

 _Cut to Sparky's birthday party. Everybody is dancing while Wade is in the corner holding a bag to his chest. Buster walks up to him._

BUSTER: Wade, what's going on with you? You've been standing like that for almost an hour.

WADE: And you're just now trying to do something about it?

BUSTER: I've been too busy having fun and being stupid! You could try it too, you know.

WADE: No, I'd rather not. But I appreciate the offer.

 _Buster scratches his head and walks over to Jaylynn._

BUSTER: Jaylynn, I think something's going on with Wade.

JAYLYNN: I think so too, but Anja told me not to get involved with people's problems all the time.

WADE: _I took the brain ray with me to the party for a test run. I needed someone who could be easily affected and could allow me to reverse the effects quickly. I chose Buster because, well, it was obvious. Of course, one person had to ruin it._

 _Wade walks over to Buster and pulls out the brain ray. RK screams at the sight of the ray._

RK: HE'S GOT A GUN!

 _RK runs towards Wade and tackles him, believing he was intending to shoot Buster. They then fight for possession of the ray while everyone else continues dancing._

WADE: You're undermining my research!

RK: I WON'T LET YOU KILL OUR FRIENDS, YOU PSYCHO!

WADE: _During the melee, we ended up shooting each other with the ray multiple times and went through a strange wormhole for what seemed like a few seconds, but it was actually several hours._

 _RK and Wade scream as they fall through the wormhole, temporarily outside the space time continuum. They then fall through another hole and there is a white flash of light._ _It is only then that RK wakes up the next morning and tries to collect himself. Dissolve into the present day._

WADE: It's the only logical explanation to what happened.

RK: You didn't even bring a freaking shrink ray with you last night!

WADE: It was a brain ray. Get it right. Besides, the memory's hazy. The ray must have gotten lost somewhere in the space time continuum.

RK: So you call me delusional, but you've somehow convinced yourself that you made a ray capable of taking out people's memories?

WADE: I'm just saying, stranger things have happened before.

RK: Look, neither of us will ever find out what happened to Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn. So why don't we just forget about them and move on with our lives?

WADE: What?! We can't do that!

RK: We already forgot an entire day. I'm pretty sure we can forget the other hundred times we've done stuff with them.

WADE: But they're still our friends. If we don't find out what happened, we're going to regret it for the rest of our lives.

RK: Wait a minute. What if they were raptured?

WADE: Raptured. Our friends were raptured, that's seriously what you're saying right now.

RK: Yeah, of course. That explains why we weren't taken. We sinned during our lifetime. The devil's coming for us, Wade! WE'RE BOTH GOING TO HELL FOR OUR CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY!

 _Wade slaps RK in the face._

RK: Thank you. I needed to calm down.

WADE: Part of me wonders why I don't do this more often. What we need to do is hear from other people who were at the party last night.

RK: And what if they don't know what happened to the guys?

WADE: Oh, please, at least three of them have to. What are the odds that none of our other friends can help us out?

SCENE 4

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _RK slams down his phone while Wade hangs up his._

WADE: Well, RK, this is why I'll never be a gambler.

RK: This is stupid! We've called everyone we could and nobody's answered. Even our own girlfriends. Maybe we need to face the facts.

WADE: What facts?

RK: They're gone forever. We're never going to see our Sparky or Buster or Jaylynn ever again. I miss the way that little punk used to annoy me. No one can do it like she can.

WADE: There has to be a logical explanation to this. There always is.

RK: Maybe it's our fault they're not here anymore. I mean, for crying out loud, we wear the same damn clothes every day! That's enough to drive anyone away!

 _Gilcania walks in at that moment._

GILCANIA: Hi guys.

RK AND WADE: GILCY!

RK: You're still alive!

 _RK and Wade run up to Gilcania and give her a big hug._

GILCANIA: Well, thank you, guys, but I don't want Adriana and Anna to know about this.

RK: How funny is Gilcania?

WADE: Hilarious. I mean, Louis C.K. has nothing on you.

GILCANIA: Okay, you guys aren't fooling me. What's going on here?

RK: We're sorry. We're just happy to see one of our own.

GILCANIA: One of your own?

WADE: Look, last night, something happened that took all of our friends away. We don't know what because we can't remember.

RK: Yeah, all we know is there was Sparky's party and the next thing we know, everyone's gone.

GILCANIA: Well, that's kinda sad, but I'm just here to return your pen.

RK: Dude, you borrowed that pen from me three weeks ago.

GILCANIA: At least I'm returning it, honey. And why don't you just call all your friends to see what happened to them?

WADE: We can't, no one's picking up. It's like there was some apocalyptic event and we're the only survivors.

GILCANIA: Awww, you guys are going to make me cry. Well, don't get sad. They're going to come back, you babies are just thinking about it too hard. I'll talk to you guys later.

RK: No problem.

WADE: See ya, Gilcy.

 _Gilcania waves goodbye to the boys and leaves the house._

RK: She's in denial. I don't give a shit what she says, she just doesn't want to admit the truth.

WADE: I know, it's depressing how optimistic she's trying to be about this. Wait a minute. Was Gilcania even at the parties?

RK: No, Ashley told me she was sick all weekend so she couldn't go. That's probably why it's so easy for her to accept that she'll never see her friends again.

WADE: So what do we do now? Just sit here and live the rest of our lives like nothing happened?

RK: No. We're going to honor Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn. We're going to make sure their legacies live on.

WADE: How?

RK: Well, the first thing we're going to do is give them a proper funeral.

WADE: But we don't even know if they died or...

RK: Wade, Wade. Baby, that's not what this is about. We have to move on.

 _Beat._

WADE: Could you stop staring at me like that?

SCENE 5

The Jennings Household

Exterior Backyard

Seattle, Washington

 _RK and Wade have placed pictures of Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn in a pile on the ground in the backyard._

WADE: This is the most bizarre day off from school I've ever had.

RK: We're gathered here to celebrate the life and times of three beautiful people. Sparky MacDougal, Buster Newman, and Jaylynn Skylar Hernandez. They were taken away from us much too soon. How they were taken away, we'll never know. It doesn't matter if they died in a nuclear explosion, or evaporated into thin air, or got sucked into the underworld, or even got hit by an EA Sports truck on their way to the store.

WADE: Dear God.

RK: The point is, they're gone now. And while the Lord may be smiling down on us, he's frowning too, because only the Lord knows what we've been through. At this time, I would like to ask my best friend Wade Saltalamacchia to say a few words on the behalf of the deceased.

WADE: They're not deceased!

RK: Wade, I know grief is a difficult thing, but you have to search deep within yourself to find the words.

 _Wade groans in annoyance and clears his throat._

WADE: Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn were more than just friends. They were like family to me. See, I've never had the chance to have brothers and sisters, so they were the closest I ever got to that chance. I always appreciated everything they brought to the table. I loved Sparky's sensitivity and strength as a leader. I loved Buster's wonder and innocence. And I loved Jaylynn's determination and passion. They were some of the best friends I've ever had the fortune of knowing, and I can't believe they'll never be around to hear me say this.

RK: That was beautiful, Wade. Now, it's time for the official burial of the souls.

 _RK takes a shovel, starts digging a hole, places the pictures inside, and covers the hole up._

RK: They were too good for this world.

WADE: RK, hypothetically speaking, if the guys really are gone, where do we go from here?

RK: Well, at this point, we have to celebrate them. It's up to us as their friends to live the lives they never got to. I have an idea that will help us do exactly that.

SCENE 6

The MacDougal Household

Interior Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

 _RK and Wade are looking through Sparky's closet._

RK: I don't know if this shirt can fit me. I won't be able to pull this off. Can I? Probably not.

WADE: RK, I don't get what this accomplishes.

RK: Well, since Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn have gone off to parts unknown, we have to make sure we give them the lives they never had. We have to be them from now until the end of time.

WADE: By dressing like them? It's not even Halloween.

RK: See? You're a natural at this! But we're trying to be Sparky right now, not Buster. Let me see what my Sparky impression sounds like. _RK clears his throat._ "Hi, I'm Sparky. I like to be normal and behave in a normal way. Bitch Clock, I don't want any alcohol. GAH, ANOTHER CIMORELLI NIGHTMARE!"

WADE: That got a little better near the end. I'm pretty sure Sparky will be the hardest to do.

RK: Well, yeah. He's the leader. His job is to balance all of us out because without him, we're just worthless pieces of shit.

WADE: I'm not a worthless piece of shit!

RK: I never said that.

WADE: You _just_ said it!

RK: Wade, I'm gonna be honest. About half of what I say is just me being a jackass.

SCENE 7

The Newman Condominium

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _At Buster's condo, RK and Wade are watching TV. RK is dressed like Buster and Wade is dressed like Jaylynn._

RK: Hey Jaylynn, could you turn on the TV?

WADE: What? The TV's already on.

RK: Oh yeah, it is! I'm sorry, I forgot.

WADE: Hey Buster, do you think I should forget about my crush on Anja?

RK: Well, it's like I always say. Love is like a box of Lemon Heads. If you end up eating one too hard, you, um...you get hurt, I think.

WADE: I don't get it.

RK: Not many people do.

WADE: You see, this works. We've found the right people to play.

RK: You said it. I feel like Buster and I are a lot alike.

WADE: I always thought that too. You guys should have really hung out more.

RK: Eh, we coulda, but we were never given that many stories.

WADE: What?

RK: I'm Buster and I like soda!

 _Gilcania walks in the house._

GILCANIA: There you two are. I've been looking all over for you.

RK: Hey, look, it's Ashley.

WADE: Buster, that's Gilcania.

RK: Cool, it's Jaylynn!

WADE: I'm Jaylynn, you dumbass!

RK: How can you be Jaylynn when Jaylynn's right there?

GILCANIA: Are you guys role-playing or should I just stay away from you?

RK: Oh, don't worry, Gilcy, it's just role-playing. I'm Buster and Wade is Jaylynn.

GILCANIA: Why are you guys pretending?

WADE: Well, we have to do something now that the guys aren't here. So we're going to give them the ultimate tribute and assume their positions in our group.

GILCANIA: You know, they put people in rooms for things like this.

RK: Please, it's not like we're turning into them. That reminds me. I have to go feed LPC.

 _RK gets up, trips on the floor, and walks to the kitchen._

WADE: I miss Anja. It's too bad she has to spend the day with Lynne.

GILCANIA: Honey, you don't have to do this costume party shit around me.

WADE: Oh. I was kinda hoping you would find this entertaining.

GILCANIA: No, it's disturbing. Wade, I don't get why you're going along with this. Do you really think all your friends are dead?

WADE: Of course not. But RK and I have exhausted every possibility, and even if we try, we can't remember anything that happened yesterday or this morning. All we have are these clothes and some serviceable impressions.

GILCANIA: Did you try going on Facebook? That might be something a regular boo-boo does these days, boo-boo.

WADE: You don't have to fit the same three words into all of your sentences, you know.

GILCANIA: I can't help it, it's a habit. But sweetie...

 _Wade gives Gilcania an annoyed expression._

GILCANIA: Deal with it. Anyway, Wade, you should try going on Facebook. Maybe they're keeping something from you guys.

WADE: We already went there. For some preposterous reason, we're blocked from all of our friends. I really don't understand what's going on, but maybe that's just the way things have to be.

GILCANIA: Okay, this whole thing is loco y ridículo. I'm going to get you guys some help, okay? I'll let you know what's going on.

WADE: Alright. Good luck, I guess.

 _Gilcania leaves the house when RK comes back to sit on the couch._

RK: Boy, LPC sure loves to eat. I actually tried some cat food once. It really hits the spot!

WADE: Hey RK, out of character, can I ask you something? Are we ever going to see our friends again?

RK: I don't know what you're so depressed about. The two of us have done lots of stuff together. What's so different now?

WADE: I think it's the fact that OUR FRIENDS ARE NOWHERE TO BE FOUND. And we're over here playing dress-up like that's supposed to bring them back.

RK: Hey, this is fun. I don't like it any more than you do, but what other choice do we have? I want to make sure we never forget about Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn. But I guess I'm all alone in thinking that.

WADE: You're not all alone. I want to find them. Who knows where they could be? In some creepy guy's basement, scared out of their minds with no way of contacting the outside world.

RK: Oh, please, they're probably whooping it up as we speak. Maybe we drove them away and they got sick of us. Now they're in Hawaii, sipping on the finest grape juice, eating juicy steaks and wishing we were never born.

WADE: You really believe that?

RK: It could happen! Look, bottom line, we'll never know what really happened so we just have to move on. I'm pretty sure they did. That's why they couldn't even leave us a freaking note. Hey, by the way, who do you want to play tonight? I think one of us should really take a crack at being Sparky.

 _Wade sighs in disappointment._

SCENE 8

The Saltalamacchia Household

Interior Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

 _Later on, Wade is pacing around wondering what to do._

WADE: RK is losing his mind here. I mean, yeah, sure, imitating the guys will be pretty funny during a roast, but this is asinine. It just makes me wonder why he cares so much about this. Unless he had something to do with...no. No, he couldn't have. But he doesn't remember! Yeah, that's it. He probably did something sick, something heinous. And now he thinks it will all be swept under the rug. Well, RK, that rug is getting thrown out and I'm going to expose you for what you are!

JAYLYNN: Wade?

WADE: JAYLYNN?!

 _Wade looks around and sees no one in his room or by the window._

WADE: Oh, it was just my imagination.

SCENE 9

Ike's Ice Cream Emporium

Interior Dining Area

Seattle, Washington

 _RK and Wade are having ice cream sundaes. Wade looks at RK with disdain._

WADE: _Look at him. Look at that sick, smug little cretin. Trying to eat ice cream after what he did. Probably helps him clear his ugly conscience. I can't accuse him of anything yet. I'm going to wait for him to slip up. And then, I'll expose him for getting rid of the guys._ Hey RK, you seem pretty happy. Why?

RK: I can't be happy having a nice little sundae here at Ike's?

WADE: No. It's not like I'm accusing you of anything or something. I just think that you seem a little bit too cheery today.

RK: Hmm. I guess I am. _I don't like the way Wade is staring at me. It's almost like he's trying to tell me something. I wonder if the guys disappearing is connected to him somehow. Wait a minute._

 _RK takes a closer look at Wade's disgusted face._

RK: _Oh my God. You brilliant son of a bitch! He killed the guys! No wonder he was talking about them so much. He was trying to throw me off the scent and get away with it clean. But he thought about it way too much and now he's trying to kill me before I can catch him. My own best friend is a cold-blooded murderer._

 _At this point, RK and Wade are giving each other looks of anger and disgust. Wade gets a phone call and answers it._

WADE: Hello? Yeah, Gilcy, what's going on? Uh huh? Yeah? You literally called me just to tell me that? Yeah, I know, but this was more of a text message. I'm disappointed now. Alright, bye.

 _Wade hangs up._

RK: What was that all about?

WADE: Nothing, Gilcania just said she tried contacting everyone we know and they didn't pick up. I swear, it's like the universe is playing some sick, disturbing prank on us and nobody's laughing.

RK: Well, killer, I mean, Wade, sometimes the answers to these questions are right under our noses. We might actually have an idea of what's happening once we clear our minds, and realize that the person who was responsible for all this...is a person we trust and respect. You know what I mean?

 _RK gives Wade a look of suspicion, and Wade gives him the same look._

WADE: Yeah. I get what you mean. It's almost like a certain person might be trying to hide something but they really can't, because then the truth will strangle them when they least expect it and feast on the remains of their betrayal and guilt.

RK: Well, everyone needs a fall guy.

WADE: I agree. And if said fall guy figured it out, said criminal would be on the highway to hell right now.

RK: It's going to be a long ride the more they wait to admit it.

WADE: Then they should do it now. What's the problem?

RK: Of course, they should. There's no trouble with admitting it.

WADE: Hell yeah!

RK: F*** YEAH!

 _Beat. People begin staring at RK and Wade with disdain._

RK: I'm going home.

WADE: Likewise.

SCENE 10

The Jennings Household

Interior Kitchen

Seattle, Washington

 _RK sits at the kitchen table with his hands covering his face. KG walks in at that point._

KG: Hey RK. What's going down?

RK: I have to kill Wade.

KG: Wait, what? Rewind that, instant replay, penalties all around. What the hell did you just say you had to do?

RK: I said, I have to kill Wade.

KG: And again, I ask, "Wait, what?"

RK: Look, KG, you know how I woke up at Sparky's house this morning and everyone was gone except for me and Wade?

KG: Yeah. I think.

RK: Well, it turns out that last night at Sparky's party, there was a horrible event that ended up taking the guys away. And I know for a fact that it was Wade who killed Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn, alongside everyone else at the party. He chopped up their bodies, buried the remains in the Puget Sound, melted down the weapons for parts for his teleporter, and now he's going to kill me before I can expose him to the world.

KG: So you're going to kill him before he can kill you?

RK: Exactly.

 _Beat._

KG: RK, this has to be the worst f***ing idea you've ever had.

RK: Look, do you really think I want to do this? No. It's my best friend, I've known him for years. But I can't let him get away with this. If I kill him, I'll avenge the guys and I can go on with my life. I'll have closure. I'll finally be able to sleep again.

KG: Hell are you talking about, closure? You just came up with this stupid-ass theory after seeing your friends yesterday! Look, RK, I'm pretty sure the guys are all fine, but you and Wade just can't handle it because you have no idea where they are. They'll turn up at some point, but you have to calm down before you do something you'll regret for the rest of your life.

RK: KG, you're right. It all makes sense now!

KG: Thank you.

RK: If I'm going to go through with this, I have to make sure Wade is a real killer through evidence. Thanks for the help, KG!

KG: RK, I didn't...

 _RK runs out of the house and shuts the door._

KG: This is my fault. Completely my fault. I, uh...I, this-this is me being a complete disgrace for an older brother.

SCENE 11

The MacDougal Household

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

 _That evening, RK pulls up near Sparky's house._

RK: Alright, Wade. This is where I expose you for the murderous psychopath you really are. Once I get what I need to get, this guy's going all the way down.

 _RK puts on a black beanie and a pair of rubber gloves. He then opens the car door, takes out a briefcase, closes the door, and walks inside the house. The house is still in the same condition as it was in the morning._

RK: Of course. A bad criminal would never cover his tracks. You're making this too easy, Wade. Ooh, a stool!

 _RK runs over to the broken stool from earlier._

RK: The first clue that there was a murder! Wade must have used this stool to crack the heads open of Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn. But there's no blood here. That sicko must have cleaned it off. Okay, I'm cooking with fish grease here. Now all I need to do is figure out how Wade was able to pull off the hiding of the bodies. There has to be some kind of trapdoor or an invisible laser that he used. Maybe he used a giant storage locker to move the guys to, and now wolves are dining on the corpses in his dungeon.

 _At that point, Wade's car pulls up near the house._

WADE: I can't believe RK would do something like this. But I have to do what I must, and find the evidence to put him away. Wait a minute. Why is his car here?

 _Cut to RK screaming as he looks inside the couch for evidence._

RK: THIS IS MADNESS! There has to be some special science type communication he used to pull this off! Or maybe he thought it was too predictable so he threw me off the scent by using a walkie talkie. WHO WAS HIS PARTNER IN THIS?! WHERE'S THE KNIFE?! WHAT KIND OF MONSTER AM I DEALING WITH HERE?!

 _Wade bursts through the door._

WADE: What the hell are you doing here?!

RK: Oh, this is absolutely delicious. The criminal's come to confess, how tasty. Bet you figured you wouldn't get away with it, huh? Or...or maybe you finally decided to think like a genius and actually CONCEAL THE EVIDENCE.

WADE: You know, it's really funny to see how much you deny your part in this.

RK: Oh, so now I'm an accessory, huh? How dare you try to drag me down in your thirst for the blood of your own friends, you jackass?!

WADE: What are you talking about?! You're the one who killed them! I'm just here to find the evidence and bring you to justice for good!

RK: Stop acting like the innocent angel in this. You're the one who killed them and I'm the one bending over backwards trying to expose you. But you know what? It's okay. Because now that you're here, I can kill you right now and we'll never have to talk about it again.

WADE: That's really something. But you overlooked one small thing here, Detective Jennings.

RK: What?

WADE: WHAT THE HELL WOULD I HAVE TO GAIN FROM THIS?!

RK: I don't know, you're a murderer. You don't need a reason. You just like to gain certain things due to...due to the events in which you gain those things!

WADE: That doesn't make any sense!

RK: IT'S A HOMICIDE. IT DOESN'T HAVE TO MAKE SENSE!

 _Bitch Clock walks downstairs at this point._

BITCH CLOCK: What the hell are you guys doing screaming down here? I can't have one dream about Demi Moore without someone losing their shit in this house?

WADE: Shut up, Bitch Clock.

RK: Yeah, go have another box of wine. You're just a damn puppet in all this.

BITCH CLOCK: Could I ask why you two have gone mentally insane in just one day?

WADE: HE KILLED OUR FRIENDS!

RK: No. You did. It was you. The stool, the trapdoor, the dungeon wolves. I don't know how you did it, but lucky for you, Sparky's kitchen knife doesn't care about good or evil. It just wants to cut.

WADE: You've wanted them gone all along. Admit it, you hate Jaylynn! Either that, or you were just so pissed off that you couldn't have her, you decided no one could.

 _Beat._

RK: Stop throwing DIRT AT MY NAME!

 _RK lunges at Wade and they start wrestling each other until Bitch Clock runs to break it up._

BITCH CLOCK: Stop it, stop this shit right now! Now, this is just sickening. I've enjoyed plenty of fights just like this one, but there is no need for this crap. You two are best friends and you need to stop blaming each other. What do you think? Killing each other is going to magically make the guys come back?

RK: Damn. Wade, I think he's right.

WADE: He is. We've been acting like two wild animals over something we can't even figure out.

RK: Maybe...maybe we really did have nothing to do with it.

WADE: I concur. _Wade begins to turn towards Bitch Clock suspiciously._ But that just means something completely different happened last night.

RK: Yeah. _RK does the same turn._ I'm starting to think it was an inside job.

BITCH CLOCK: Why the hell are you guys staring at me like that?

 _RK and Wade smile at each other, and simultaneously punch Bitch Clock in the face, knocking him out._

RK: He did this.

WADE: All this time, we were chasing after the wrong guy. Can't even trust alarm clocks anymore.

SCENE 12

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _When Bitch Clock wakes up, he realizes that his mouth is taped up and he is tied to a chair._

RK: Wakey wakey.

WADE: Hello, Bitch Clock.

 _Bitch Clock starts screaming, but due to the tape, his screams are muffled._

RK: You know, the tape really wasn't as good an idea as I thought.

WADE: Yeah, you could just take it off.

 _RK pulls the tape off Bitch Clock's mouth. He then screams twice._

RK: Relax, you're acting like you've never been tied up before.

BITCH CLOCK: The first scream is for the tape because it hurt, you dumb motherf***ers! And the second scream is because you guys are PSYCHOTIC!

WADE: Oh, we're psychotic? You brutally murdered our friends, including your owner, turned us against each other, pretended to care about anyone but yourself, and WE have the brain deficiencies?!

BITCH CLOCK: I NEVER KILLED ANYONE!

RK: Shut up. You lost the right to deny shit the minute you killed our friends!

 _RK punches Bitch Clock in the face._

RK: Now, first question, Bitch. Because you're not a clock anymore, just a punk bitch. What happened between the hours of 9:00 yesterday morning and 9:00 this morning?

BITCH CLOCK: Nothing happened. All I did was make sure the dolphins were only slightly abused, I called in a guy to transport them, and we spent ten minutes having to use a crane to lift the tank from the attic into the truck.

WADE: So, in other words, you stabbed Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn mercilessly, dumped their bodies in a nearby river and it took you ten minutes to get all the blood cleaned up?

 _Wade punches Bitch Clock in the face._

BITCH CLOCK: I'm not using code, you dicks! THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED!

RK: I don't think he realizes what's at stake here.

WADE: He really doesn't. Now, Bitch Clock, I'm not a violent kid by nature. But the severity of what you did leaves me no choice but to lash out. What you did was premeditated. You planned this out weeks in advance and you were waiting for just the right time. You wanted this house all to yourself, so you killed Sparky to make sure you got your wish. You had to kill any and all witnesses, so that included Buster and Jaylynn, along with everyone else at that party. You probably even did something to our own girlfriends that we can't prove right now. But you made one fatal mistake.

RK: Tell him about it, Wade.

WADE: You failed to take us out of the equation.

RK: Yeah, ya stupid sumbitch!

WADE: It all makes sense. You were the one who had the most to gain. You were the one who always got rejected when you wanted to do something reckless. And Sparky was your last bridge between being a normal being, and being a disgusting sociopath. Now that he's gone, we're going to be that bridge. So, Bitch Clock, you better make the right decision. Confess to what you did, or I swear, your breathing will cease within the next hour!

BITCH CLOCK: I didn't do anything. They're not dead. No one's dead. They went to the damn water park. YOU GUYS ARE SO STUPID!

WADE: He's getting more belligerent.

RK: What a shame.

 _RK punches Bitch Clock three more times._

RK: You have to be kidding me! How is he not unconscious?!

WADE: Well, he does drink about six gallons of champagne a week. At this point, his body just absorbs pain and destruction like a kitchen sponge.

BITCH CLOCK: _Eight_ gallons!

WADE: SHUT UP! Nobody said you could speak!

 _Wade punches Bitch Clock in the face._

RK: This asshole has a death wish.

WADE: You got that right. You know what? Untie him. We're going to put this clown down like Barbaro.

 _RK begins to untie Bitch Clock while Wade rubs his hands together._

BITCH CLOCK: You...you guys...are making a big mistake. Stop, please!

WADE: It's too late to beg for mercy, you idiot. You asked for this.

RK: Yeah. Since you won't confess and killing you right here won't make us happy, we're going to give you a prison beating and watch you die! Any last words?

 _Beat._

BITCH CLOCK: F*** you.

WADE: Say hello to Satan for us, you drunk freak!

 _RK and Wade begin punching and kicking Bitch Clock mercilessly and start using pieces from the broken stool to make him die quicker._

RK: Let's drown his punk ass!

WADE: Even better!

 _RK and Wade drag Bitch Clock's body into the kitchen and turn on the sink faucet. At that point, the front door slowly opens and in steps Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn. Their smiles quickly turn to confused looks as they see the messed up living room. They hear weird noises coming from the kitchen._

SPARKY: What the hell is that?

 _Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn walk into the kitchen and see a trail of blood leading up to RK and Wade pushing Bitch Clock's body down into the sink water repeatedly._

RK: Take that, you little bitch!

WADE: DIE!

SPARKY: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS DOING?!

 _RK and Wade gasp._

RK AND WADE: SPARKY!

SPARKY: Yeah, and I want to know why my house looks like this!

 _RK and Wade run up to the guys and start hugging and kissing them._

JAYLYNN: Wow, you guys really missed us.

RK: We thought you were dead!

SPARKY: Why the f*** would you think we were dead?

WADE: Because of that demonic alarm clock in the sink over there. How did you guys escape? Did you do some sweet movie type moves on your captors?

RK: How did Bitch Clock's buddy fit into all this?

 _Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn give each other concerned looks._

SCENE 13

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _A few minutes later, the guys are all sitting on the couch._

BUSTER: I don't know, some kind of spaghetti sauce. Anyway, that's what happened.

RK: Wow, I can't believe it.

WADE: Can't believe what? We just sat down and this is the first thing they decided to tell us!

SPARKY: Look, we were at the water park all day and then we came back. Nothing else happened.

RK: Wait, you guys were really at the water park?

WADE: So Bitch Clock didn't kill you guys.

SPARKY: Of course not. I'm surprised you guys didn't show up. It was your idea in the first place.

WADE: It was?

JAYLYNN: Yeah. You two came up with it last night. Are you trying to play stupid?

RK: No, but when we woke up, we couldn't remember anything that happened yesterday. And I still don't know why.

BUSTER: Oh, I can answer that.

 _Cut to the night before at Sparky's party. RK and Wade both look disoriented._

BUSTER: _You guys were really sleepy from all that dancing you did. It's almost like you were drunk or something._

RK: Hey Wade, Wade. WADE!

WADE: Yeah.

RK: Check this out. DIVING HEADBUTT!

 _RK headbutts Wade and knocks him out._

SPARKY: RK, what the hell is your problem?

 _Sparky pushes RK and he ends up falling backwards onto an empty stool that breaks upon impact and knocks him out._

BUSTER: _I think those two things must have done something to your memory._

SPARKY: Okay, just so everyone knows, that wasn't supposed to happen.

 _Dissolve into the present day._

RK: It makes perfect sense. And here I thought the stool was just a simple murder weapon.

WADE: Okay, that explains that. But if we came up with the water park idea, why couldn't you guys have taken us?

RK: Yeah, we couldn't contact you guys at all. You had us worried sick!

JAYLYNN: Well, we would have taken you there if you weren't being assholes this morning.

RK: Come again?

 _Cut to Sparky trying to wake up RK earlier in the day._

RK: Leave me alone, you stupid.

SPARKY: Come on, RK. You're going to miss the water park.

RK: I said, LEAVE ME ALONE!

 _RK slaps Sparky halfway across the room._

JAYLYNN: Sparky!

BUSTER: Wade, get up.

WADE: Go f*** yourself, Buster. Giving me diving headbutts and whatnot.

RK: Go...the hell...away. Everyone leave, we're sleeping here, shut up.

WADE: Yeah, go away.

SPARKY: Fine. If they want to act like this, we'll leave them here.

BUSTER: On your living room floor?

SPARKY: Yeah, why not? They like it here.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, let's go. Everyone else is waiting for us anyway.

 _Cut to the present day._

SPARKY: We didn't want you to know where we were, so we just didn't pick up your calls and blocked you on Facebook.

WADE: Wait, but if you guys didn't want us to know where you were, why did you think we would show up?

JAYLYNN: Because we thought you would figure out what happened and go there anyway. But we didn't know about the memory thing.

RK: Wow. So this really was our fault.

WADE: Yeah, we dropped the ball something fierce today. We're sorry for everything that happened, guys. But we learned how important it is to have you around.

BUSTER: If it means anything, we missed you too. Three is such an odd number. Five is way better.

SPARKY: I kinda feel bad now. I mean, if you two were driven to drown my alarm clock in the sink, then we should probably keep this from ever happening again.

JAYLYNN: How about we just go to the water park next week? It's not like it's going anywhere.

RK: I second that.

SPARKY: Okay, so we're set. It's good to know how much we're appreciated, and we want you guys to know we feel the same way.

RK: Thanks Sparky. I guess the real lesson here is that morning crankiness doesn't pay. Because it leads to you accusing your best friend and an alcoholic clock of being murderers.

 _Beat._

JAYLYNN: You know what? I'm not even mad at you for thinking that's the lesson.

 _Cut to black._

 _("ATLiens" by OutKast plays in the end credits)_

©2017 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS


	2. Greatest Party Backstage Pass

_PRODUCTION/CULTURAL REFERENCES (written 4/24/17)_

-I can't exactly remember when I came up with this episode, but it had to have been sometime last year. I was inspired after reading about the _Community_ episode "Remedial Chaos Theory" and just came up with this plot.

-The idea of this episode being set the day after Sparky's birthday party was not originally what I had in mind. This episode was going to be a standalone story about a party completely unrelated to the one from last week. However, once I scheduled "The Birthdays from Hell" a week before this episode, I felt like it would be a fun idea to tie the two episodes together and have them share something in common. This is not a two-part episode, but this is the first time I've ever had an episode take place directly after the last one.

-This episode ended up going to a darker place at the end, but that wasn't my original intention. I really didn't know how the episode would end at first but I knew RK and Wade would turn on each other and blame each other for driving away the guys. I just wrote up a bunch of notes for upcoming scenes (a method I started using last season) and surprisingly ended up following all of it. I needed everything to build up to the point where RK and Wade lost it and their actions would be considered believable.

-I seriously can't think of another episode I've done that took place over the course of an entire day. With a lot of these recent episodes, I have been trying out new ways to tell stories. Come up with more concepts that are challenging, put myself in a position where I really have to pay attention to the plot. This was definitely one of those episodes where I had to make sure things progressed in a way that made sense and get the details right.

-I actually don't have much of a desire to write for Gilcania so that's why she rarely appears on the show at this point but I feel like this was one of her best appearances. I loved having Wade acknowledge the words/phrases she frequently uses in her sentences.

-It's very weird now to have Buster and RK interact with each other and then think about what their relationship was like in the first two seasons. Yeah.

-RK and Wade interrogating, assaulting, and then drowning Bitch Clock is one of those things that reminds me just how much I love writing this show. I think it's already one of my favorite scenes in the whole series.

-There will not be a new episode this Sunday, and most likely no new episodes on May 7 either. I have 527 coming on May 14 and the last two episodes of the season on May 21. However, if 529 ends up being two parts, I'll either move up 527 and 528 by one week, or extend season five by one week so 529 would come on May 28.


End file.
